Ignoring Hard Conversations Doesn’t Stop Child Abuse
By Samantha McLennan
Community Education Lead at the Zebra Centre
Ignoring hard conversations around abuse or sexual exploitation doesn’t stop it from happening; it stops kids from having the tools, confidence, and resources to say no and get help if they need it.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez
What did the “birds and the bees” talk look and sound like for you? Maybe an awkward car ride on the way to your first boy-girl party, or a cringy conversation in your childhood bedroom after you got your first romantic partner in middle school? If you were born before 2006 it likely didn’t include a talk about how online predators might convince you to take inappropriate pictures of yourself and then use those photos against you to blackmail you for more materials or for money. Our world has expanded rapidly with the introduction and explosion of the internet. During the pandemic years, experts saw a surge of kids who exist more and more in online spaces without supervision all across the globe . Between 2022 and 2023 CyberTip, Canada’s tipline for reporting the online sexual abuse and exploitation of children, reported a 45% increase in online sexual exploitation reports. They received over 27,000 reports of victimization of children online in 2023 alone (“Reports From the Public Processed in 2023”, CyberTip.ca, Accessed November 7 2024). However, as big and scary as those numbers are, it's important to remember that everything in life is “figure out able”. In fact, “detailed research on this subject reveals that age-appropriate prevention education is not harmful - in fact it is empowering. Children who receive comprehensive age-appropriate education about harmful behaviours and sexual exploitation are much more likely to report abuse” (Protecting Children From Sexual Abuse, Kids in the Know, Canadian Centre for Child Protection). As you read this blog it’s important to remember that ignoring hard conversations around abuse or sexual exploitation doesn’t stop it from happening; it stops kids from having the tools, confidence, and resources to say no and get help if they need it.
Barriers to Conversation
Why do some of us squirm away from having conversations about abuse or online sextortion with the children in our lives? Probably for the same reason we tend to scrunch our noses at the soggy food left in the sink after dishes or dread when it’s time to clean the bathroom. These things might be awkward and uncomfortable but they need to be done to live in a clean home. Same thing goes for the awkward, anxious, and often unpolished act of talking to our kids about scary or sexual topics. It’s for their own good, but that doesn’t mean it’s pleasant. There’s many barriers to having these conversations, some of which include people's past experiences, people's fear of the conversation, feelings of inadequacy, and misinformation around the topics of abuse and online safety.
There’s a neat psychological phenomenon called semantic satiation. It’s where you say a word over and over again and it can temporarily lose it’s meaning in the process. The neurons in that part of our brain listening to the word on repeat get flooded and temporarily short circuit. Trauma can be one of those words. The word trauma is sometimes thrown around like a buzzword, and often its meaning gets lost in the word salad. However, trauma can pack a real punch when it comes to our brains, it’s not just a trendy word of the past couple years. Constantly being in fear can physically change your brain. If someone has had bad experiences in childhood relating to abuse or extortion, our brains can try to protect us by trying to steer clear of anything related to that topic, which includes having these difficult conversations with our children. If someone hasn’t been able to look their past in the eye, they often can find it too scary to talk about the conversation in the present. The conversations with children around abuse or online exploitation become too scary and are avoided. People can also fear the conversation because it might lead to questions or backlash from other caregivers or guardians of the child. Often negative reactions are rooted in fear or misinformation that talking about abuse or sexual exploitation will cause children to be more susceptible to those things, when the truth is quite the opposite. Many studies and interviews from adults who have harmed children have shown that “offenders are less likely to target children who present a risk of telling. Empowering children with knowledge about personal safety and boundaries can help reduce their risk of victimization” (Resources: Keeping Kids Safe, Canadian Centre for Child Protection).
Consequences of Abuse and Hope with Intervention
We know that online sexual abuse and exploitation of children is very much happening here in Canada. CyberTip is only one of the many reporting agencies for child abuse and exploitation, and they alone process 2,500+ reports monthly. We also now know that there can be lots of barriers for people to pluck up the courage to face uncomfortable conversations with the children in their lives. So why does the need to have these conversations matter so much? Is abuse (both online and in person) really that big of a deal? Kids are remarkably resilient. The short answer is yes, obviously child abuse is a big deal. However, to drive the point home, I’d like to share some of the long term consequences of abuse and the hope that comes with intervention.
First, I want to take you back to 1997. Chumbawamba by Tubthumping was all over the radio, and we all really liked baggy clothing with any sort of stripes on it. It’s also the year the original ACE study was conducted at Kaiser Permanente, which is a USA based organization that provides a continuum of health care services. “ACEs stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences. These experiences can include things like physical and emotional abuse, neglect, caregiver mental illness, and household violence.” (ACEs and Toxic Stress: Frequently Asked Questions, by Centre on the Developing Child at Harvard University). ACEs can help us talk about the fact that when big stressful things happen to us as children, it can have lifelong consequences. Multiple studies where “physical and psychological abuse victimization was found to be a significant predictor of cancer risk in adulthood [...] Results from 3 studies indicated significant associations between physical abuse and cancer risk.” (The Association Between Adverse Childhood Experiences and Risk of Cancer in Adulthood: A Systematic Review of the Literature, Holman DM et. al.)
All of this emphasizes that yes, having someone lure you in and take advantage of you on or offline as a child, will have lasting consequences into your adulthood. However, the amazing thing is that adults have huge amounts of power to protect kids online. Having the tough conversations gives kids the tools, confidence, and resources to say no and get help if they need it. Surrounding children with safe adults who build up their “optimism, high self-esteem, intelligence, creativity, humor and independence, [enhances] their coping skills in the face of adversity” (“Understanding and Preventing Child Abuse and Neglect”. American Psychological Association).
Basics of the Conversations to Have
After learning about the negative consequences of child abuse online or in person, as well as learning how so many Canadian kids are affected by online predators, I’m sure you’re ready to know the real question of today’s topic: how do I have these conversations? This is such a big topic, and you’ve already done so much learning today, so let’s make this section a list for easy digestion. However, there are also a ton more resources on the website protectchildren.ca for both parents and kids to learn more.
Proper naming of body parts: During conversation, it is a must to use the proper names of all body parts to give kids the knowledge to describe accuratly if something is happening, including what areas of the body are private and shouldn’t be touched or seen by others.
Safe vs unsafe secrets: Make sure your children know the difference between secrets that are okay to keep (e.g., a surprise party) and secrets that need to be told to a safe adult (e.g., secrets about touching or picture taking). The Canadian Centre for Child Protection has some wonderful free resources to help you talk to children about this in age-appropriate ways; you can see them HERE.
Shame and Isolation: Especially in teens, shame and isolation are powerful tools for exploitation, but hope and communication are equally powerful tools for prevention and recovery. Telling teens to not make the bad choice (like taking inappropriate pictures of themselves) is only half of the equation. The other half is telling them “if you do make the bad choice, we will figure it out and we love you anyways”, making sure they know they are not alone to figure it out if something bad does happen to them.
Confidence to set boundaries: Children having confidence to set boundaries with safe people, leads to children having confidence when it’s an unsafe person.
Drip drip drip conversations: Instead of a one time conversation in the car about abuse and online safety, have multiple smaller conversations with kids throughout their childhood about these things. Conversations at age-appropriate levels over and over not only make the conversation easier to have, but also gives the child the confidence to come to you if something unsafe is happening.
Finding their Zebras: At the Zebra Centre, we talk about kids ‘finding their Zebras’, meaning finding their safe adults. Safe adults unfortunately are not always Moms and Dads; sometimes they are aunts, uncles, grandparents, a friend’s parents, older cousins, teachers, nurses, or other adults who keep children in their lives safe. Teaching kids to pay attention to which adults in their life are good listeners and make them feel safe helps them identify who they can go to for questions and concerns in their life.
Educating yourself on tough conversations is the first step to protecting the kids in your life, so thank you for taking the time to learn from this blog today! I invite you to check out some of our other resources and posts throughout the Zebra Centre’s website, or look below at the works cited for more information.
WORKS CITED
A Review of Physical and Mental Health Consequences of Child Abuse and Neglect and Implications for PracticeDO - 10.1177/1559827611410266 American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine by
Rebecca T Leeb U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
Terri Lewis University of Colorado
Adam Zolotor University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
“Preventing maltreatment before it occurs can avoid victimization, and interventions once maltreatment has occurred have the potential to improve the health and well-being of victims.”
“ prevention efforts from a protective framework in which essential aspects of childhood including enhancing safe, stable, and nurturing relationships between children and caregivers are the focus to reduce risk for abuse and neglect before it occurs.”
ACEs and Toxic Stress: Frequently Asked Questions, by Centre on the Developing Child at Harvard University
What Are ACEs? And How Do They Relate to Toxic Stress?
Cyber tip “Reports From the Public Processed in 2023”, CyberTip.ca, Accessed November 7 2024 https://www.cybertip.ca/en/about/reports-from-public-processed-2023/
Early Help and Early Intervention by National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/safeguarding-child-protection/early-help-and-early-intervention
“Why are early help and early intervention important?
Providing timely support is vital. Identifying and addressing a child or family's needs early on can increase protective factors that positively influence a child’s wellbeing, and decrease risk factors that may be impacting a child’s life negatively.
Research suggests that early help and intervention can:
protect children from harm
reduce the need for a referral to child protection services
improve children's long-term outcomes”
Wy early intervention matters | Early Intervention Foundation
Epigenetics Science In Seconds: Epigenetics
Resources » Alberta Family Wellness Initiative
Epigenetics: Can we change our genes? - BBC World Service
https://youtu.be/n1Ew9jUCZLU?si=5JtyrArXkRhlsWOf
What is epigenetics? - Carlos Guerrero-Bosagna
https://youtu.be/_aAhcNjmvhc?si=M0BayEaa4o1pMG99
“How to Have Difficult Conversations with Kids” by Dr. Jody Thomas
“kids always know more than you think they do (even when we adults find comfort in pretending they don’t). Hiding things from them is almost always futile and can be do some real damage”
[avoiding talking] “That can leave kids holding their worries all on their own, and we don’t want that. Remember, it is possible to be honest without being alarmist.
Holman DM, Ports KA, Buchanan ND, Hawkins NA, Merrick MT, Metzler M, Trivers KF. The Association Between Adverse Childhood Experiences and Risk of Cancer in Adulthood: A Systematic Review of the Literature. Pediatrics. 2016 Nov;138(Suppl 1):S81-S91. doi: 10.1542/peds.2015-4268L. PMID: 27940981; PMCID: PMC5892430.
“Among these studies, physical and psychological abuse victimization was found to be a significant predictor of cancer risk in adulthood when assessed in multiple studies. Results from 3 studies indicated significant associations between physical abuse and cancer risk.”
Making a link between childhood physical abuse and cancer Results from a regional representative survey by Esme Fuller-Thomson PhD, Sarah Brennenstuhl MSW
Protecting Children From Sexual Abuse, Kids in the Know, Canadian Centre for Child Protection kidsintheknow.ca/app/en/parents-faq Accessed October 29 2024
Experts explain that it is common for parents to be concerned about the impact of learning about sexual abuse on children. However, the detailed research on this subject reveals that age-appropriate prevention education is not harmful - in fact it is empowering. Children who receive comprehensive age-appropriate education about harmful behaviours and sexual exploitation are much more likely to report abuse. Early disclosure stops abuse from continuing by triggering early intervention.
Preventing child abuse and neglect. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/fastfact.html. Accessed October 29 2024
Preventing adverse childhood experiences (ACEs): Leveraging the best available evidence. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://stacks.cdc.gov/view/cdc/82316. Preventing adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) : leveraging the best available evidence Accessed October 29 2024
“Risk and Protective Factors” United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Risk and Protective Factors | Child Abuse and Neglect Prevention | CDC Accessed Oct 29 2024
Resources: Keeping Kids Safe, Canadian Centre for Child Protection, accessed October 29 2024 Resources & Research: Keeping Kids Safe – protectchildren.ca
“How to Talk to Your Child
When talking to your child, make sure information is age appropriate. Young children shouldn’t be exposed to information about child sexual abuse, but rather information about personal safety, such as:
Proper names for body parts, including what areas of the body are private and shouldn’t be touched or seen by others.
The difference between secrets that are okay to keep (e.g., a surprise party) and secrets that need to be told to a safe adult (e.g., secrets about touching or picture taking).
Assertiveness skills. Teach children it is okay to say “no” to something or someone who makes them feel confused or uncomfortable.
Identifying safe adults in the child’s life.
How to get help from safe adults.
The importance of privacy tied to changing, bathing, and going to the bathroom.
The ability to identify and label their feelings.
Research shows that offenders are less likely to target children who present a risk of telling. Empowering children with knowledge about personal safety and boundaries can help reduce their risk of victimization. For more age-appropriate ideas of what to discuss with your child visit Kids in the Know.”
Remember that there is nothing fearful for children in learning about labeling their body parts, identifying their feeling, identifying safe adults, etc. Providing children with safety strategies that can be incorporated into their daily lives builds self-confidence and safety competence.
https://www.unco.edu/assault-survivors-advocacy-program/learn_more/neurobiology_of_trauma.aspx
Survivors of childhood sexual abuse diagnosed with cancer: managing the impact of early trauma on cancer treatment by Les Gallo-Silver and Michael O Weiner
Toxic Stress by Alberta Family Wellness Initiative
https://youtu.be/vMseNYpOQvE?si=dLDyLSAMQeXt3mIS
Understanding ACEs: What are Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)? By the Office of the California Surgeon General
https://youtu.be/-vIqJK8Nu1Q?si=o8g_u0sVNxApL8-h
Understanding and Preventing Child Abuse and Neglect. American Psychological Association.
Understanding and preventing child abuse and neglect Accessed Oct 29 2024
“Children’s optimism, high self-esteem, intelligence, creativity, humor and independence, which enhance their coping skills in the face of adversity. (What factors protect a child from risk of abuse or neglect?)”